There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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