he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The best revenge is premature balding
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
