it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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