Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
