i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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