Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
