P.S. I can't hear my feet
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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