worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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