Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
