i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
