If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
