Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
