Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
