So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
smell my finger.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
