I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize