I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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