I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
