Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
