I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
