i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Text me some of your sweat
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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