I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
