Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
