we have pet lesbian snakes
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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