i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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