if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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