yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
