wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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