wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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