i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
