someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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