Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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