Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
