would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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