if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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