Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
