just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
