I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
