It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
