I can't watch pbs sober anymore
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
