I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
