So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
