I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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