i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
