3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Text me some of your sweat
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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