theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
