you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
