I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
