my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
