I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
