I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
