I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
