My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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