The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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