I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
it glows. i had to have it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
