Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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