I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize