Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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