fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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