two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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