did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
