The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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