Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize