So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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