Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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